FlVEO'CLOCKTEA 


W'D-HOWELLS- 


Ir 


BLACK  &WHITE 

SERIES 


University  of  California  •  Berkeley 


*>/ 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA 


FIVE    O'CLOCK    TEA 


ffarce 


BY 

W.  D.  HOWELLS 
ILLUSTRATED 


NEW   YORK 

HARPER  AND  BROTHERS 
1894 


Harper's  "Black  and  White"  Series. 

Illustrated.     321110,  Cloth,  50  cents  each. 

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FIVE    O'CLOCK    TEA.      Farce. 
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ISSUES: 
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PUBLISHED  BY  HARPER  &  BROTHERS,  NEW  YORK. 

For  sale  by  all  booksellers,  or  will  be  sent  by  the  publishers  , 
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Copyright,  1894,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

Copyright,  1885,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

Copyright,  1885,  by  W.  D.  HOWELLS. 

All  rights  reserved. 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


"  'WILL  YOU  ANSWER  MY  QUESTION,  AMY?'  "    Frontispiece 

"MRS.   SOMERS,   POURING  A  CUP   OF   TEA:    'THAT 

MAKES  IT  A  LITTLE  MORE  DIFFICULT'  "  Facing  page  32 


FIVE   O'CLOCK  TEA 
I 

MRS.  SOMERS;  MR.  WILLIS  CAMPBELL 

RS.  AMY  SOMERS,  in  a  lightly  float- 
ing  tea-gown  of  singularly  becoming 
texture  and  color,  employs  the  last  mo 
ments  of  expectance  before  the  arrival  of 
her  guests  in  marching  up  and  down  in 
front  of  the  mirror  which  fills  the  space  be 
tween  the  long  windows  of  her  drawing- 
room,  looking  over  either  shoulder  for 
different  effects  of  the  drifting  and  eddy 
ing  train,  and  advancing  upon  her  image 
with  certain  little  bobs  and  bows,  and 
retreating  from  it  with  a  variety  of  fan 
practice  and  elaborated  courtesies,  finally 
degenerating  into  burlesque,  and  a  series 
of  grimaces  and  "  mouths  "  made  at  the 
responsive  reflex.  In  the  fascination  of 


this  amusement  she  is  first  ignorant,  and 
then  aware,  of  the  presence  of  Mr.  Willis 
Campbell,  who  on  the  landing  space  be 
tween  the  drawing-room  and  the  library 
stands,  hat  in  hand,  in  the  pleased  con 
templation  of  Mrs.  Somers's  manoeuvres 
and  contortions  as  the  mirror  reports 
them  to  him.  Mrs.  Somers  does  not  per 
mit  herself  the  slightest  start  on  seeing 
him  in  the  glass,  but  turns  deliberately 
away,  having  taken  time  to  prepare  the 
air  of  gratification  and  surprise  with 
which  she  greets  him  at  half  the  length 
of  the  drawing-room. 

Mrs.  Somers,  giving  her  hand  :  "  Why, 
Mr.  Campbell  !  How  very  nice  of 
you  !  How  long  have  you  been  prowling 
about  there  on  the  landing?  So  stupid 
of  them  not  to  have  turned  up  the 
gas !" 

Campbell :  "  I  wasn't  much  incommod 
ed.  That  sort  of  pitch-darkness  is  rather 
becoming  to  my  style  of  beauty,  I  find. 
The  only  objection  was  that  I  couldn't 
see  you." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Do  you  often  make 
those  pretty  speeches  ?" 


Campbell :  "  When  I  can  found  them 
on  fact." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  can  I  say  back  ? 
Oh  !  That  I'm  sorry  I  couldn't  have  met 
you  when  you  were  looking  your  best." 

Campbell :  "  Um  !  Do  you  think  you 
could  have  borne  it?  We  might  go  out 
there." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  On  second  thoughts, 
no.  I  shall  ring  to  have  them  turn  up 
the  gas." 

Campbell :  "  No ;  let  me."  He  prevents 
her  ringing,  and  going  out  into  the  space 
between  the  library  and  drawing-room, 
stands  with  his  hand  on  the  key  of  the 
gas-burner.  "  Now  how  do  I  look  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Beautiful." 

Campbell,  turning  up  the  gas :  "  And 
now?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Not  half  so  well.  De 
cidedly  pitch  -  darkness  is  becoming  to 
you.  Better  turn  it  down  again." 

Campbell,  rejoining  her  in  the  drawing- 
room  :  "  No  ;  it  isn't  so  becoming  to  you  ; 
and  I'm  not  envious,  whatever  I  am." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  are  generosity  it 
self." 


Campbell :  "  If  you  come  to  phrases,  I 
prefer  magnanimity." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Well,  say  magnanim 
ity.  Won't  you  sit  down  —  while  you 
have  the  opportunity?"  She  sinks  upon 
the  sofa,  and  indicates  with  her  fan  an 
easy-chair'at  one  end  of  it. 

Campbell,  dropping  into  it :  "  Are  there, 
going  to  be  so  many  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  never  can  tell 
about  five  o'clock  tea.  There  mayn't  be 
more  than  half  a  dozen ;  there  may  be 
thirty  or  forty.  But  I  wished  to  affect 
your  imagination." 

Campbell :  "You  had  better  have  tried 
it  in  some  other  kind  of  weather.  It's 
snowing  like — " 

Mrs.  Somers,  running  to  the  window, 
and  peeping  out  through  the  side  of 
the  curtain :  "  It  is  !  like  —  cats  and 
dogs !" 

Campbell :  "  Oh  no !  You  can't  say 
that !  It  only  rains  that  way.  I  was  go 
ing  to  say  it  myself,  but  I  stopped  in 
time." 

Mrs.  Somers,  standing  before  the  win 
dow  with  clasped  hands  :  "  No  matter ! 


There  will  simply  be  nobody  but  bores. 
They  come  in  any  sort  of  weather." 

Campbell :  "  Thank  you,  Mrs.  Somers. 
I'm  glad  I  ventured  out." 

Mrs.  Somers,  turning  about :  "  What  ?" 
Then  realizing  the  situation  :  "  Oh,  poor 
Mr.  Campbell !" 

Campbell:  "Oh,  don't  mind  me!  I 
can  stand  it  if  you  can.  I  belong  to  a 
sex,  thank  you,  that  doesn't  pretend  to 
have  any  tact.  I  would  just  as  soon  tell 
a  man  he  was  a  bore  as  not.  But  I 
thought  it  might  worry  a  lady,  perhaps." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Worry?  I'm  simply 
aghast  at  it.  Did  you  ever  hear  of  any 
thing  worse  ?" 

Campbell:  "Well,  not  much  worse." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  What  can  I  do  to  make 
you  forget  it  ?" 

Campbell :  "  I  can't  think  of  anything. 
It  seems  to  me  that  I  shall  always  re 
member  it  as  the  most  fortunate  speech 
a  lady  ever  made  to  me — and  they  have 
said  some  flattering  things  to  me  in  my 
time." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh,  don't  be  entirely 
heartless.  Wouldn't  a  cup  of  tea  blot  it 


out  ?  With  a  Peak  &  Frean  ?"  She  ad 
vances  beseechingly  upon  him.  "  Come, 
I  will  give  you  a  cup  at  once." 

Campbell :  "  No,  thank  you  ;  I  would 
rather  have  it  with  the  rest  of  the  bores. 
They'll  be  sure  to  come." 

Mrs.  Somers,  resuming  her  seat  on  the 
sofa :  "You  are  implacable.  And  I  thought 
you  said  you  were  generous." 

Campbell:  "  No;  merely  magnanimous. 
I  can't  forget  your  cruel  frankness  ;  but  I 
know  you  can,  and  I  ask  you  to  do  it." 
He  throws  himself  back  in  his  chair  with 
a.  sigh.  "  And  who  knows  ?  Perhaps 
you  were  right." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  About  what  ?" 

Campbell :  "  My  being  a  bore." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  should  think  you, 
would  know." 

Campbell :  "  No ;  that's  the  difficulty. 
Nobody  would  be  a  bore  if  he  knew 
it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  some  would,  I 
think." 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  mean  me  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Well,  no,  then.  I  don't 
believe  you  would  be  a  bore,  if  you  knew 


it.  Is  that  enough  ?  or  do  you  expect  me 
to  say  something  more  ?" 

Campbell :  "  No ,  it's  quite  enough, 
thank  you."  He  remains  pensively  silent. 

Mrs.  Somers,  after  waiting  for  him  to 
speak  :  "  Bores  for  bores,  don't  you  hate 
the  silent  ones  most  ?" 

Campbell,  desperately  rousing  himself : 
"  Mrs.  Somers,  if  you  only  knew  how 
disagreeable  I  was  going  to  make  my 
self  just  before  I  concluded  to  hold  my 
tongue !" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Really  ?  What  were 
you  going  to  say  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  actually  wish  to 
know  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh  no  ;  I  only  thought 
you  wished  to  tell." 

Campbell :  "  Not  at  all.  You  com 
plained  of  my  being  silent." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Did  I  ?  I  was  wrong. 
I  will  never  do  so  again."  She  laughs  in 
her  fan. 

Campbell :  "  And  I  complain  of  your 
delay.  You  can  tell  me  now,  just  as  well 
as  two  weeks  hence,  whether  you  love  me 
enough  to  marry  me  or  not." 


Mrs.  Somers :  "You  promised  not  to 
recur  to  that  subject  without  some  hint 
from  me.  You  have  broken  your  prom 
ise." 

Campbell:  "Well,  you  wouldn't  give 
me  any  hint." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  How  can  I  believe  you 
care  for  me  if  you  are  false  in  this  ?" 

Campbell :  "  It  seems  to  me  that  my 
falsehood  is  another  proof  of  my  affec 
tion." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Very  well,  then ;  you 
can  wait  till  I  know  my  mind." 

Campbell :  "  I'd  rather  know  your  heart. 
But  I'll  wait."  After  a  pause  :  "  Why  do 
you  carry  a  fan  on  a  day  like  this  ?  I  ask, 
to  make  general  conversation." 

Mrs.  Somers,  spreading  the  fan  in  her 
lap,  and  looking  at  it  curiously :  "  I  don't 
know."  After  a  moment :  "  Oh  yes  ;  for 
the  same  reason  that  I  shall  have  ice 
cream  after  dinner  to-day." 

Campbell :  "  That's  no  reason  at  all." 
After  a  moment :  "  Are  you  going  to  have 
ice-cream  to-day  after  dinner?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  might.  If  I  had  com 
pany." 


Campbell:  "Oh,  I  couldn't  stay  after 
hinting.  I'm  too  proud  for  that."  He 
pulls  his  chair  nearer  and  joins  her  in 
examining  the  fan  in  her  lap.  "  What  is 
so  very  strange  about  your  fan  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nothing.  I  was  just 
seeing  how  a  fan  looked  that  was  the 
subject  of  gratuitous  criticism." 

Campbell :  "  I  didn't  criticise  the  fan." 
He  regards  it  studiously. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh  !    Not  the  fan  ?" 

Campbell :  "  No  ;  I  think  it's  extreme 
ly  pretty.  I  like  big  fans." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  So  good  of  you  !  It's 
Spanish.  That's  why  it's  so  large." 

Campbell :  "  It's  hand-painted,  too." 

Mrs.  Somers,  leaning  back,  and  leaving 
him  to  the  inspection  of  the  fan  :  "You're 
a  connoisseur,  Mr.  Campbell." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  I  can  tell  hand-paint 
ing  from  machine-painting  when  I  see  it. 
Tisn't  so  good." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Thank  you." 

Campbell :  "  Not  at  all.  Now,  that  fel 
low — cavalier,  I  suppose,  in  Spain — mak 
ing  love  in  that  attitude,  you  can  see  at  a 
glance  that  hes  hand-painted.  No  ma- 


i6 


cavalier  would  do  it  in  that 
way.  And  look  at  the  lady's  hand.  Who 
ever  saw  a  hand  of  that  size  before  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  unclasping  the  hands 
which  she  had  folded  at  her  waist,  and 
putting  one  of  them  out  to  take  up  the 
fan :  "  You  said  you  were  not  criticising 
the  fan." 

Campbell,  quickly  seizing  the  hand, 
with  the  fan  in  it:  "Ah,  I'm  wrong! 
Here's  another  one  no  bigger.  Let  me 
see  which  is  the  largest." 

Mrs.  Somers,  struggling  not  very  vio 
lently  to  free  her  hand :  "  Mr.  Campbell !" 

Campbell :  "  Don't  take  it  away !  You 
must  listen  to  me  now,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers,  rising  abruptly,  and  drop 
ping  her  fan  as  she  comes  forward  to 
meet  an  elderly  gentleman  arriving  from 
the  landing :  "  Mr.  Bemis !  How  very 
heroic  of  you  to  come  such  a  day  !  Isn't 
it  too  bad  ?" 


II 

MR.  BE  MIS ;  MRS.  SOMERS ;  MR.  WILLIS 
CAMPBELL 

Bemis :  "  Not  if  it  makes  me  specially 
welcome,  Mrs.  Somers."  Discovering 
Campbell :  "  Oh,  Mr.  Campbell !" 

Campbell,  striving  for  his  self-posses 
sion  as  they  shake  hands  :  "  Yes,  another 
hero,  Mr.  Bemis.  Mrs.  Somers  is  going 
to  brevet  everybody  who  comes  to-day. 
She  didn't  say  heroes  to  me,  but — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  shall  have  your 
tea  at  once,  Mr.  Bemis."  She  rings.  "  I 
was  making  Mr.  Campbell  wait  for  his. 
You  don't  order  up  the  teapot  for  one 
hero." 

Bemis  :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha !  No,  indeed  !  But 
I'm  very  glad  you  do  for  two.  The  fact  is  " 
— rubbing  his  hands — "  I'm  half  frozen." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Is  it  so  very  cold  ?"  To 
Campbell,  who  presents  her  fan  with  a 
bow :  "  Oh,  thank  you."  To  Mr.  Bemis : 
"  Mr.  Campbell  has  just  been  objecting 


i8 


to  my  fan.  He  doesn't  like  its  being 
hand-painted,  as  he  calls  it." 

Bemis :  "That  reminds  me  of  a  Cali 
fornia  gentleman  whom  I  found  looking 
at  an  Andrea  del  Sarto  in  the  Pitti  Palace 
at  Florence  one  day — by-the-way,  you've 
been  a  Californian  too,  Mr.  Campbell ; 
but  you  won't  mind.  He  seemed  to  be 
puzzled  over  it,  and  then  he  said  to  me — 
I  was  standing  near  him — '  Hand-paint 
ed,  I  presume  ?' " 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Ah  !  ha,  ha,  ha !  How 
very  good  !"  To  the  maid,  who  appears  : 
"  The  tea,  Lizzie." 

Campbell :  "  You  don't  think  he  was 
joking?" 

Bemis,  with  misgiving:  "Why,  no,  it 
never  occurred  to  me  that  he  was." 

Campbell :  "  You  can't  always  tell  when 
a  Californian's  joking." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  insinuation  :  "  Can't 
you  ?  Not  even  adoptive  ones  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Adoptive  ones  never 
joke." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Not  even  about  hand- 
painted  fans?  What  an  interesting  fact !" 
She  sits  down  on  the  sofa  behind  the  lit- 


tie  table  on  which  the  maid  arranges  the 
tea,  and  pours  out  a  cup.  Then,  with  her 
eyes  on  Mr.  Bemis :  "  Cream  and  sugar 
both  ?  Yes  ?"  Holding  a  cube  of  sugar 
in  the  tongs :  "  How  many  ?" 

Bemis :  "  One,  please." 

Mrs.  Somers,  handing  it  to  him :  "I'm 
so  glad  you  take  your  tea  au  naturel,  as  / 
call  it." 

Campbell :  "  What  do  you  call  it  when 
they  don't  take  it  with  cream  and  sugar  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "Au  unnaturel.  There's 
only  one  thing  worse :  taking  it  with  a 
slice  of  lemon  in  it.  You  might  as  well 
draw  it  from  a  bothersome  samovar  at 
once,  and  be  done  with  it." 

Campbell :  "  The  samovar  is  pictu 
resque." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It  is  insincere.  Like 
Californians.  Natives." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  I  can  think  of  some 
thing  much  worse  than  tea  with  lemon  in 
it." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  What  ?" 

Campbell :  "  No  tea  at  all." 

Mrs.  Somers,  recollecting  herself :  "  Oh, 
poor  Mr.  Campbell !  Two  lumps  ?" 


Campbell :  "  One,  thank  you.  Your 
pity  is  so  sweet !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  ought  to  have 
thought  of  the  milk  of  human  kindness, 
and  spared  my  cream-jug  too." 

Campbell :  "  You  didn't  pour  out  your 
compassion  soon  enough." 

Bemis,  who  has  been  sipping  his  tea  in 
silent  admiration :  "  Are  you  often  able 
to  keep  it  up  in  that  way  ?  I  was  fancy 
ing  myself  at  the  theatre." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  don't  encore  us ! 
Mr.  Campbell  would  keep  saying  his 
things  over  indefinitely." 

Campbell,  presenting  his  cup  :  "  An 
other  lump.  It's  turned  bitter.  Two  /" 

Bemis  :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha !  Very  good — very 
good  indeed !" 

Campbell :  "Thank  you  kindly,  Mr.  Be 
mis." 

Mrs.  Somers,  greeting  the  new  arrivals, 
and  leaning  forward  to  shake  hands  with 
them  as  they  come  up,  without  rising: 
"  Mrs.  Roberts !  How  very  good  of  you ! 
And  Mr.  Roberts !" 


Ill 

MR.  and  MRS.  ROBERTS  and  the  OTHERS 

Roberts :  "  Not  at  all." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Of  course  we  were 
coming." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Will  you  have  some 
tea?  You  see  I'm  installed  already.  Mr. 
Campbell  was  so  greedy  he  wouldn't 
wait." 

Campbell :  "  Mr.  Bemis  and  I  are  here 
in  the  character  of  heroes,  and  we  had  to 
have  our  tea  at  once.  You're  a  hero  too, 
Roberts,  though  you  don't  look  it.  Any 
one  who  comes  to  tea  in  such  weather  is 
a  hero,  or  a — " 

Mrs.  Somers,  interrupting  him  with  a 
little  shriek  :  "  Ugh  !  How  hot  that  han 
dle's  getting !" 

Campbell :  "  Ah,  I  dare  say.  Let  me 
turn  out  my  sister's  cup."  Pouring  out 
the  tea  and  handing  it  to  Mrs.  Roberts. 
"  I  don't  see  how  you  could  reconcile  it 
to  your  No.  Eleven  conscience  to  leave 


your  children  in  such  a  snow-storm  as 
this,  Agnes." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  in  vague  alarm :  "  Why, 
what  in  the  world  could  happen  to  them, 
Willis  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  nothing  to  them.  But 
suppose  Roberts  got  snowed  under.  Have 
some  tea,  Roberts  ?"  He  offers  to  pour 
out  a  cup. 

Mrs.  Somers,  dispossessing  him  of  the 
teapot  with  dignity:  "Thank  you,  Mr. 
Campbell ;  /will  pour  out  the  tea." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  very  well.  I  thought 
the  handle  was  hot." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It's  cooler  now." 

Campbell :  "  And  you  won't  let  me  help 
you  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  When  there  are  more 
people  you  may  hand  the  tea." 

Campbell :  "  I  wish  I  knew  just  how 
much  that  meant." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "Very  little.  As  little  as 
an  adoptive  Californian  in  his  most  ear 
nest  mood."  While  they  talk — Campbell 
bending  over  the  teapot,  on  which  Mrs. 
Somers  keeps  her  hand — the  others  form 
a  little  group  apart. 


Bemis,  to  Mrs.  Roberts:  "I  hope  Mr. 
Roberts's  distinguished  friend  won't  give 
us  the  slip  on  account  of  the  storm." 

Roberts :  "  Oh  no ;  he'll  be  sure  to 
come.  He  may  be  late.  But  he's  the 
most  amiable  of  Englishmen,  and  I  know 
he  won't  disappoint  Mrs.  Somers." 

Bemis  :  "  The  most  unamiable  of  Eng 
lishmen  couldn't  do  that." 

Roberts  :  "  Ah,  I  don't  know.  Did  you 
meet  Mr.  Pogis  ?" 

Bemis  :  "  No  ;  what  did  he  do  ?" 

Roberts  :  "  Why,  he  came — to  the  Hib- 
bens's  dinner — in  a  sack  coat." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  I  thought  it  was  a  Car 
digan  jacket." 

Bemis :  "  /  heard  a  Norfolk  jacket  and 
knickerbockers." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Ah,  there  is  Mrs.  Cur- 
wen  !"  To  Campbell,  aside  :  "And  with 
out  her  husband !" 

Campbell :  "  Or  any  one  else's  hus 
band." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  For  shame  !" 

Campbell :  "  You  began  it." 

Mrs.  Somers,  to  Mrs.  Curwen-,  who  ap 
proaches  her  sofa :  "  You  are  kindness 


itself,  Mrs.  Curwen,  to  come  on  such  a 
day."  The  ladies  press  each  other's  hands. 


IV 

MRS.  CURWEN  and  the  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  You  are  goodness  in 
person,  Mrs.  Somers,  to  say  so." 

Campbell :  "  And  I  am  magnanimity 
embodied.  Let  me  introduce  myself, 
Mrs.  Curwen  !"  He  bows,  and  Mrs.  Cur 
wen  deeply  courtesies. 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  should  never  have 
known  you." 

Campbell,  melodramatically,  to  Mrs. 
Somers :  "  Tea,  ho !  for  Mrs.  Curwen — 
impenetrably  disguised  as  kindness." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  What  shall  I  say  to 
him  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  pouring  the  tea :  "  Any 
thing  you  like,  Mrs.  Curwen.  Aren't  we 
to  see  Mr.  Curwen  to-day?" 

Mrs.  Curwen,  taking  her  tea  :  "  No,  I'm 
his  insufficient  apology.  He's  detained 
at  his  office — business." 


Campbell :  "  Then  you  see  they  don't 
all  come,  Mrs.  Somers." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  All  what  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  all  the— heroes." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Is  that  what  he  was  go 
ing  to  say,  Mrs.  Somers  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  You  never  can  tell  what 
he's  going  to  say." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  should  think  you 
would  be  afraid  of  him." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  a  little  shrug:  "Oh 
no  ;  he's  quite  harmless.  It's  just  a  little 
way  he  has."  To  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Miller, 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Alfred  Bemis,  and  Dr.  Law- 
ton,  who  all  appear  together :  "  Ah,  how 
do  you  do  ?  So  glad  to  see  you  !  So  very 
kind  of  you  !  I  didn't  suppose  you  would 
venture  out.  And  you  too,  Doctor?" 
She  begins  to  pour  out  tea  for  them,  one 
after  another,  with  great  zeal. 


DR.  LA  WTON,  MR.  and  MRS.  MILLER,  YOUNG 
MR.  and  MRS.  BE  MIS,  and  the  OTHERS 

Dr.  Lawton  :  "  Yes,  I  too.  It  sounded 
very  much  as  if  I  were  Brutus  also."  He 
stirs  his  tea  and  stares  round  at  the  com 
pany.  "  It  seems  to  me  that  I  have  met 
these  conspirators  before.  That's  what 
makes  Boston  insupportable.  You're  al 
ways  meeting  the  same  people !" 

Campbell :  "  We  all  feel  it  as  keenly  as 
you  do,  Doctor." 

Lawton,  looking  sharply  at  him  :  "  Oh  ! 
you  here?  I  might  have  expected  it. 
Where  is  your  aunt  ?" 


VI 

MRS.  CRASH  A  W  and  the  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Crashaw,  appearing :  "  If  you  mean 
me,  Dr.  Lawton — 


Lavvton  :  "  I  do,  my  dear  friend.  What 
company  is  complete  without  you  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  reaching  forward  to  take 
her  hand,  while  with  her  disengaged  hand 
she  begins  to  pour  her  a  cup  of  tea : 
"  None  in  my  house." 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "Very  pretty."  Taking 
her  tea.  "  I  hope  it  isn't  complete,  either, 
without  the  English  painter  you  promised 
us." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No,  indeed !  And  a 
great  many  other  people  besides.  But 
haven't  you  met  him  yet?  I  supposed 
Mrs.  Roberts — " 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  Oh,  I  don't  go  to  all 
of  Agnes's  fandangoes.  I  was  to  have 
seen  him  at  Mrs.  Wheeler's — he  is  being 
asked  everywhere,  of  course  —  but  he 
didn't  come.  He  sent  his  father  and 
mother  instead.  They  were  very  nice 
old  people,  but  they  hadn't  painted  his 
pictures." 

Lawton  :  "  They  might  say  his  pictures 
would  never  have  been  painted  without 
them." 

Bemis :  "  It  was  like  Heine's  going  to 
visit  Rachel  by  appointment.  She  wasn't 


28 


in,  but  her  father  and  mother  were ;  and 
when  he  met  her  afterwards  he  told  her 
that  he  had  just  come  from  a  show  where 
he  had  seen  a  curious  monster  advertised 
for  exhibition  —  the  offspring  of  a  hare 
and  a  salmon.  The  monster  was  not  to 
be  seen  at  the  moment,  but  the  showman 
said  here  was  monsieur  the  hare  and  ma- 
dame  the  salmon." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  What  in  the  world  did 
Rachel  say?" 

Lawton  :  "  Ah,  that's  what  these  brill 
iant  anecdotes  never  tell.  And  I  think 
it  would  be  very  interesting  to  know 
what  the  victim  of  a  witticism  has  to 
say." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  should  think  you 
would  know  very  often,  Doctor." 

Lawton:  "Ah,  now  I  should  like  to 
know  what  the  victim  of  a  compliment 
says !" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  He  bows  his  thanks." 
Dr.  Lawton  makes  a  profound  obeisance, 
to  which  Mrs.  Curwen  responds  in  bur 
lesque. 

Miller  :  "  We  all  envy  you,  Doctor." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "Oh   yes.     Mrs.  Curwen 


never  makes  a  compliment  without  mean 
ing  it." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  I  can't  say  that  quite, 
my  dear.  I  should  be  very  sorry  to  mean 
all  the  civil  things  I  say.  But  I  never  flat 
ter  gentlemen  of  a  certain  age." 

Mrs.  Miller,  tittering  ineffectively :  "  I 
shall  know  what  to  say  to  Mr.  Miller 
after  this." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Well,  if  you  haven't 
got  the  man,  Mrs.  Somers,  you  have  got 
his  picture,  haven't  you?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes ;  it's  on  my  writ 
ing-desk  in  the  library.  Let  me — ' 

Lawton  :  "  No,  no  ;  don't  disturb  your 
self  !  We  wish  to  tear  it  to  pieces  with 
out  your  embarrassing  presence.  Will 
you  take  my  arm,  Mrs.  Crashaw  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "  Oh,  let  us  all  go  and  see 
it !" 

Roberts :  "  Aren't  you  coming,  Wil 
lis  ?" 

Campbell,  without  looking  round : 
"Thank  you,  I've  seen  it." 

Mrs.  Somers,  whom  the  withdrawal  of 
her  other  guests  has  left  alone  with  him : 
"  How  could  you  tell  such  a  fib  ?" 


Campbell :  "  I  could  tell  much  worse 
fibs  than  that  in  such  a  cause." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  cause  ?" 

Campbell :  "A  lost  one,  I'm  afraid.  Will 
you  answer  my  question,  Amy  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Did  you  ask  me  any?" 

Campbell :  "  You  know  I  did  —  before 
those  people  came  in." 

Mrs. Somers:  "Oh, that!  Yes.  Ishould 
like  to  ask  you  a  question  first." 

Campbell :  "  Twenty,  if  you  like." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Why  do  you  feel  au 
thorized  to  call  me  by  my  first  name  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Because  I  love  you.  Now 
will  you  answer  me?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  dreamily :  "  I  didn't  say  I 
would,  did  I  ?" 

Campbell,  rising,  sadly :  "  No." 

Mrs.  Somers,  mechanically  taking  the 
hand  he  offers  her :  "  Oh  !  What — 

Campbell :  "  I'm  going;  that's  all." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  So  soon  ?" 

Campbell:  "Yes;  but  I'll  try  to  make 
amends  by  not  coming  back  soon — or  at 
all." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  You  mustn't !" 

Campbell :  "  Mustn't  what  ?" 


Mrs.  Somers :  "You  mustn't  keep  my 
hand.  Here  come  some  more  people. 
Ah,  Mrs.  Canfield  !  Miss  Bayly  !  So  very 
nice  of  you,  Mrs.  Wharton  !  Will  you 
have  some  tea  ?" 


VII 

MRS.  CAMPBELL,  MISS  BAYLY,  MRS. 
WHARTON,  and  the  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Wharton  :  "  No,  thank  you.  The 
only  objection  to  afternoon  tea  is  the 
tea." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I'm  so  glad  you  don't 
mind  the  weather."  With  her  hand  on 
the  teapot,  glancing  up  at  Miss  Bayly : 
"And  do  you  refuse  too?" 

Miss  Bayly :  "  I  can  answer  for  Mrs. 
Canfield  that  she  doesn't,  and  I  never  do. 
We  object  to  the  weather." 

Mrs.  Somers,  pouring  a  cup  of  tea : 
"  That  makes  it  a  little  more  difficult.  I 
can  keep  from  offering  Mrs.  Wharton 
some  tea,  but  I  can't  stop  its  snowing." 

Miss    Bayly,  taking    her    cup:    "But 


you're  so  amiable;  we  know  you  would 
if  you  could,  and  that's  quite  enough. 
We're  not  the  first  and  only,  are  we  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "Dear,  no!  There  are 
multitudes  of  flattering  spirits  in  the  li 
brary,  stopping  the  mouth  of  my  portrait 
with  pretty  speeches." 

Miss  Bayly,  vividly  :  "  Not  your  Bram- 
ford  portrait  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  My  Bramford  por 
trait" 

Miss  Bayly,  to  the  other  ladies:  "  Oh, 
let  us  go  and  see  it  too !"  They  flutter 
out  of  the  drawing-room,  where  Mrs. 
Somers  and  Campbell  remain  alone  to 
gether  as  before.  He  continues  silent, 
while  she  waits  for  him  to  speak. 


VIII 

MR S.  SOMERS ;   MR.  CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Somers,  finally :  "  Well  ?" 
Campbell :  "  Well,  what?" 
Mrs.    Somers  :     "  Nothing.      Only     I 
thought  you  were — you  were  going  to — 


Campbell :  "  No  ;  I've  got  nothing  to 
say." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  I  didn't  mean  that.  I 
thought  you  were  going  to  —  go."  She 
puts  up  her  hand  and  hides  a  triumphant 
little  smile  with  it. 

Campbell :  "  Very  well,  then,  I'll  go, 
since  you  wish  it."  He  holds  out  his 
hand, 

Mrs.  Somers,  putting  hers  behind  her : 
"  You've  shaken  hands  once.  Besides, 
who  said  I  wished  you  to  go  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  wish  me  to  stay  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  I  wish  you  to  —  hand 
tea  to  people." 

Campbell :  "  And  you  won't  say  any 
thing  more  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It  seems  to  me  that's 
enough." 

Campbell :  "  It  isn't  enough  for  me. 
But  I  suppose  beggars  mustn't  be  choosers. 
I  can't  stay  merely  to  hand  tea  to  people, 
however.  You  can  say  yes  or  no  now, 
Amy,  as  well  as  at  any  other  time." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Well,  no,  then — if  you 
wish  it  so  much." 

Campbell :  "  You  know  I  don't  wish  it." 


34 


Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  gave  me  my  choice. 
I  thought  you  were  indifferent  about  the 
word." 

Campbell :  "  You  know  better  than  that, 
Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Amy  again  !  Aren't 
you  a  little  previous,  Mr.  Campbell  ?" 

Campbell,  with  a  sigh  :  "  Ah,  that's  for 
you  to  say." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Wouldn't  it  be  impo 
lite  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  not  for  you." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  If  you're  so  sarcastic,  I 
shall  be  afraid  of  you." 

Campbell  :  "  Under  what  circum 
stances  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  dropping  her  eyes  :  "  I 
don't  know."  He  makes  a  rush  upon 
her.  "Oh!  here  comes  Mrs.  Curwen ! 
Shake  hands,  as  if  you  were  going." 


IX 

MRS.  CUR  WEN;  MRS.  SOMERS ';  MR.  CAMP 
BELL 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "What !  is  Mr.  Campbell 
going,  too?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "Too?  You're  not  go 
ing,  Mrs.  Curwen  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "Yes,  I'm  going.  The 
likeness  is  perfect,  Mrs.  Somers.  It's  a 
speaking  likeness,  if  there  ever  was  one." 

Campbell :  "  Did  it  do  all  the  talking?" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  It  would — if  Mrs.  Rob 
erts  and  Dr.  Lawton  hadn't  been  there. 
Well,  I  must  go." 

Campbell :  "  So  must  I." 

Mrs.  Somers,  in  surprise  :  "Must  you  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Yes  ;  these  drifts  will  be 
over  my  ears  directly." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  You  poor  man  !  You 
don't  mean  to  say  you're  walking?" 

Campbell :  "  I  shall  be,  in  about  half  a 
minute." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Indeed  you  shall  not ! 


You  shall  be  driving — with  me.  I've  a 
vacancy  in  the  coupe,  and  I'll  set  you 
down  wherever  you  like." 

Campbell :  "  Won't  it  crowd  you  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Not  at  all." 

Campbell :  "  Or  incommode  you  in  any 
way  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  It  will  oblige  me  in 
every  way." 

Campbell :  "  Then  I  will  go,  and  a  thou 
sand  thanks.  Good-by  again, Mrs.  Somers." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Good-by,  Mrs.  Somers. 
Poor  Mrs.  Somers !  It  seems  too  bad  to 
leave  you  here  alone,  bowed  in  an  elegiac 
attitude  over  your  tea-urn." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  not  at  all!  Remem 
ber  me  to  Mr.  Curwen." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  will.  Well,  Mr.  Camp 
bell—" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Mr.  Campbell — " 

Campbell:  "Well?" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  To  which  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Both." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Neither  !" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Ah  !  ha,  ha,  ha !  Mr. 
Campbell,  do  you  know  much  about 
women  ?" 


37 


Campbell :  "  I  had  a  mother." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Oh,  a  mother  won't 
do." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  I  have  an  only  sister 
who  is  a  woman." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  A  sister  won't  do,  either 
— not  your  own.  You  can't  learn  a  wom 
an's  meaning  in  that  way." 

Campbell :  "  I  will  sit  at  your  feet,  Mrs. 
Curwen,  if  you'll  instruct  me." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  shall  be  delighted. 
I'll  begin  now.  Oh,  you  needn't  really 
prostrate  yourself !"  She  stops  him  in  a 
burlesque  attempt  to  do  so.  "And  I'll 
concentrate  the  wisdom  of  the  whole  first 
lesson  in  a  single  word." 

Campbell,  with  clasped  hands  of  en 
treaty  :  "  Speak,  blessed  ghost !" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Stay !  Ah  !  ha,  ha,  ha !" 
She  flies  at  Mrs.  Somers  and  kisses  her. 
"You  can't  say  I'm  ill-natured,  my  dear, 
whatever  I  am !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  pursuing  her  exit  with  the 
word  :  "  No,  merely  atrocious."  A  pause 
ensues,  in  which  Campbell  stands  irreso 
lute. 


X 

MRS.  SOMERS ;  MR.  CAMPBELL 

Campbell,  finally  :  "  Did  you  wish  me 
to  stay,  Amy?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  airily  :  "  I  ?  Oh  no  !  It 
was  Mrs.  Curwen." 

Campbell:  "Then  I  think  I'll  accept 
her  kind  offer  of  a  seat  in  her  coupe." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh !  I  thought,  of 
course,  you'd  stay — at  her  request." 

Campbell:  "No;  I  shall  only  stay  at 
yours." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  And  I  shall  not  ask 
you.  In  fact,  I  warn  you  not  to." 

Campbell:  "Why?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Because,  if  you  urge  me 
to  speak  now,  I  shall  say — " 

Campbell :  "I  wasn't  going  to  urge 
you." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "No  matter!  I  shall 
say  it  now  without  being  urged.  Yes,  I've 
made  up  my  mind.  I  can't  marry  a  flirt." 

Campbell :  "  I  can,  Amy." 


Mrs.  Somers  :  "Sir!" 

Campbell :  "  You  know  very  well  you 
sent  those  people  into  the  other  room  to 
keep  me  here  and  torment  me — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Now  you've  insulted 
me,  and  all  is  over." 

Campbell :  "  To  tantalize  me  with  your 
loveliness,  your  beauty,  your  grace,  Amy!" 

Mrs.  Somers,  softening :  "  Oh,  that's 
all  very  well — " 

Campbell :  "  I'm  glad  you  like  it.  I 
could  go  on  at  much  greater  length.  But 
you  know  I  love  you  dearly,  Amy,  and  why 
should  you  delight  in  my  agonies?  But 
only  marry  me,  and  you  shall  delight  in 
them  as  long  as  you  live,  and — " 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  You  must  hold  me  very 
cheap  to  think  I  would  take  you  from 
that  creature." 

Campbell :  "  Confound  her  !  I  wasn't 
hers  to  give.  I  offered  myself  first." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  She  offered  you  last, 
and — no,  thank  you,  please." 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  really  mean  it  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  shall  not  say.  Or, 
yes,  I  will  say.  If  that  woman,  who  seems 
to  have  you  at  her  beck  and  call,  had  not 


intermeddled,  I  might  have  made  you  a 
very  different  answer.  But  now  my  eyes 
are  opened,  and  I  see  what  I  should  have 
to  expect,  and — no,  thank  you,  please." 

Campbell:  "And  if  she  hadn't  offered 
me — " 

Mrs.  Somers,  drawing  out  her  handker 
chief  and  putting  it  to  her  eyes :  "  I  was 
feeling  kindly  towards  you — I  was  such  a 
little  fool—" 

Campbell :  "  Amy !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  And  you  knew  how 
much  I  disliked  her." 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  I  saw  by  the  way  you 
kissed  each  other." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Nonsense  !  You  knew 
that  meant  nothing.  But  if  it  had  been 
anybody  else  in  the  world  but  her,  I 
shouldn't  have  minded  it.  And  now — " 

Campbell :  "  Now — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Now  all  those  geese 
are  coming  back  from  the  other  room, 
and  they'll  see  that  I've  been  crying,  and 
everybody  will  know  everything.  Wil 
lis—" 

Campbell:  "Willis?" 

Mrs.  Somers :    "  Let   me  go !    I   must 


bathe  my  eyes !  You  stay  here  and  re 
ceive  them!  I'll  be  back  at  once!"  She 
escapes  from  the  arms  stretched  towards 
her,  and  out  of  the  door,  just  before  her 
guests  enter  from  the  library,  and  Camp 
bell  remains  to  receive  them.  The  la 
dies,  in  returning,  call  over  one  another's 
heads  and  shoulders. 


XI 

MR.  CAMPBELL  and  the  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Amy,  it's  lovely!  But 
it  doesn't  half  do  you  justice." 

Young  Mrs.  Bemis  :  "  It's  too  sweet  for 
anything,  Mrs.  Somers." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Why  did  you  let  the 
man  put  you  into  that  ridiculous  seven 
teenth-century  dress  ?  Can't  he  paint  a 
modern  frock  ?" 

Mrs.  Wharton  :  "  But  what  exquisite 
coloring,  Mrs.  Somers !" 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  He's  got  just  your  lovely 
turn  of  the  head." 

Miss  Bayly:  "And  the  way  you  hold 

6 


your  fan  —  what  character  he's  thrown 
into  it !" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  that  fall  of  the 
skirt,  Amy ;  that  skirt  is  full  of  charac 
ter  !"  She  discovers  Mr.  Campbell  be 
hind  the  tea-urn.  He  has  Mrs.  Somers's 
light  wrap  on  his  shoulders,  and  her  fan 
in  his  hand,  and  he  alternately  hides  his 
blushes  with  it,  and  coquettishly  folds  it 
and  pats  his  mouth  in  a  gross  caricature 
of  Mrs.  Somers's  manner.  In  rising  he 
twitches  his  coat  forward  in  a  similar 
burlesque  of  a  lady's  management  of  her 
skirt.  "  Why,  where  is  Amy,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Gone  a  moment.  Some 
trouble  about — the  hot  water." 

Lawton  :  "  Hot  water  that  you've  been 
getting  into  ?  Ah,  young  man,  look  me 
in  the  eye !" 

Campbell :  "  Your  glass  one,  Doctor  ?" 

Young  Mr.  Bemis  :  "  Why,  my  dear,  has 
your  father  got  a  glass  eye  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Of  course  he  hasn't ! 
What  an  idea !  I  don't  know  what  Mr. 
Campbell  means." 

Lawton  :  "  I've  no  doubt  he  wishes  I 
had  a  glass  eye — two  of  them,  for  that 


43 


matter.  But  that  isn't  answering  my 
question.  Where  is  Mrs.  Somers?" 

Campbell :  "  That  was  my  sister's  ques 
tion,  and  I  did  answer  it.  Have  some 
tea,  ladies?  I'm  glad  you  like  my  por 
trait,  and  that  you  think  he's  got  my 
lovely  turn  of  the  head,  and  the  way  I 
hold  my  fan,  and  the  character  of  my 
skirt ;  but  I  agree  with  you  that  it  isn't 
half  as  pretty  as  I  am." 

The  Ladies  :  "  Oh,  what  shall  we  do  to 
him  ?  Prescribe  for  us,  Doctor." 

Campbell :  "  No,  no  !  I  want  the  Doc 
tor's  services  myself.  I  don't  want  him 
to  give  me  his  medicines.  I  want  him  to 
give  me  away." 

Lawton  :  "  You're  tired  of  giving  your 
self  away,  then  ?" 

Campbell :  "  It's  of  no  use.  They  won't 
have  me." 

Lawton  :  M  Who  won't  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  I'll  leave  Mrs.  Somers 
to  say." 


XII 

MRS.  SOMERS  and  the  OTHERS 

Mrs.  Somers,  radiantly  reappearing : 
"  Say  what  ?"  She  has  hidden  the  traces 
of  her  tears  from  everyone  but  the  ladies 
by  a  light  application  of  powder,  and  she 
knows  that  they  all  know  she  has  been 
crying,  and  this  makes  her  a  little  more 
smiling.  "  Say  what  ?"  She  addresses 
the  company  in  general  rather  than  Camp 
bell. 

Campbell,  with  caricatured  tenderness  : 
"  Say  yes." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  does  he  mean, 
Doctor  ?" 

Lawton :  "  Oh,  I'm  afraid  he's  past  all 
surgery.  I  give  him  over  to  you,  Mrs. 
Somers." 

Campbell :  "  There,  now.  She  wasn't 
the  last  to  do  it !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  the  resolution  of  a 
widow  :  "  Well,  I  suppose  there's  nothing 
else  for  it,  then.  I'll  see  what  can  be 


45 


done  for  your  patient,  Doctor."  She 
passes  her  hand  through  Campbell's  arm, 
where  he  continues  to  stand  behind  the 
tea-table. 

Mrs.  Roberts,  falling  upon  her  and  kiss 
ing  her:  "Amy,  you  don't  mean  it!" 

Mrs.  Bemis,  embracing  her  in  turn  :  "  I 
never  can  believe  it." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  It  is  ridiculous !  What, 
Willis?" 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  It  does  seem  too  nice  to 
be  true." 

Bemis  :  "  You  astonish  us  !" 

Roberts :  "  We  never  should  have 
dreamed  of  it." 

Young  Mr.  Bemis  :  "  You  must  give  us 
time  to  realize  it." 

Mrs.  Wharton  :  "  Is  \\.  possible?" 

Miss  Bayly  :  "Is  it  possible  ?"  They  all 
shake  hands  with  Mrs.  Somers  in  turn. 

Roberts :  "  Isn't  this  rather  sudden, 
Willis?" 

Campbell :  "  Well,  it  is — for  Mrs.  Som 
ers,  perhaps.  But  I've  found  it  awfully 
gradual." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Nonsense  !  It's  an  old 
story  for  both  of  us." 


46 


Campbell :  "  Well,  what  I  like  about  it 
is,  it's  true.  Founded  on  fact!" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Really  ?  I  cant  believe 
it!" 

Campbell :  "Well,  I  don't  know  whom 
all  this  charming  incredulity's  intended 
to  flatter,  but  if  it's  I,  I  say  no,  not  really, 
at  all !  It's  merely  a  little  coup  de  theatre 
we've  been  arranging." 

Lawton,  patting  him  on  the  shoulder : 
"  One  ahead,  as  usual." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh,  thank  you,  Doctor ! 
There  are  two  of  us  ahead  now." 

Lawton :  "  /  believe  you,  at  any  rate. 
Bravo !"  He  initiates  an  applause  in 
which  all  the  rest  join,  while  Campbell 
catches  up  Mrs.  Somers's  fan  and  unfurls 
it  before  both  their  faces. 


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